[sticky entry] Sticky: Intro post

Sep. 2nd, 2021 10:59 am
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Hello! 

I'm jo, she/her. I am an office worker trying her best to balance a life outside of work. Big fan of Southeast Asian culture, being Filipino and all. :D

I'm usually lurking around on the fringes of fandom, and recently I've been more interested in the sociopolitical, observational side of things: what topics are discussed, what topics are missed, and just other observations in general. I came back here as it seems longer, nuanced discussions are truly best in longform instead of tweet (1/200) sort of threads. But I am also just here to get back into the exercise of writing in general! I was on LJ many moons ago and enjoyed the community there, and hope to be busier on here!

Currently I don't have a fandom, so this is mostly a blog dedicated to my reflections and musings about life as a 30-something year old that is also a late bloomer lesbian in Southeast Asia, so it's a lot of. That. 

General Housekeeping

Public vs F-locked policy: My fandom posts will likely be public as I enjoy those kinds of interactions, but my private life will be kept behind friends-locked entries and I would like to request that nothing that is f-locked ever be shared without my permission. F-locked posts will be of the more personal variety, including vague work and life. 

Comments policy: Comments are always welcome! If we've never met, I would love to chat! Subscribe and unsubscribe as you will, nothing personal. Just please be civil.

Linking policy: feel free to link to private and public journals or twitter but if it does go into a more formal newsletter or publication please clear it with me first.

I can be found on twitter and on AO3 under the same name. 

Main fandoms: CQLMDZS at the moment! When will YOI come back from the war...

Interests

Interests under the cut! )
Outside of the internet and pre-pandemic, I loved traveling and going to the beach. I do pole and trapeze in my free time.

Happy to chat in general and looking forward to being here more often!


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New Year, New Me

Maybe that means I write more things LOL

Anyway. Starting 2025 hibernating because the holidays wore me out beyond belief. I'm resting but somehow my days just keep getting filled; I really need to learn how to say no without feeling bad, but also most of these things are also health-related so it's... it is what it is?

health update ) 
trauma, IBS, SIBO, and my experience with all of it )
how i am/have been attempting to heal it )

+

post script )

I have no idea how things will turn out, but I can only hope that I will find the way out of all of this. But for now: it is January 2025, and I am choosing to believe in the new year. :)



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i have been away for a while because things took a turn to downright awful for the last year, and it's only now that i can keep my head above water on some days instead of drowning every single day.

i am writing to get this off my chest; to speak to an audience of one (me), because sometimes that is the only way i know how to do it. i have tried to justify the horrors and the feelings and the emotions to myself for so long, but when your thoughts have become your harshest critics, sometimes you need compassion from others to learn to be compassionate towards yourself too. i was hyper-independent for most of my life; i refused to ask for help because i didn't want to be a bother, and kept everything locked away because i didn't think it was worth sharing. then my world collapsed, i finally began opening up to my best friend, and she said please reach out because we want to help you. i've been trying to make that a habit since.

they say trauma is not what happened to you; it's what happened to your inner world because of what happened. it's what happened that went unwitnessed or unexpressed. i have been diagnosed with complex PTSD as well as your run of the mill PTSD from a multitude of things, some which happened last year, some which happened in childhood.

i used to think trauma stems from events, so i never thought i was traumatized. it turns out trauma can also happen as a result of neglect and having to hide yourself for extended periods of time; now i understand that i've been deeply traumatized my whole life. it is why i am opting to write this now on a blog instead of my journal: i am hoping i am not alone, and if no one else fully understands what i am going through, then at least it is seen somewhere, and maybe one day someone will see it and not give me any pity but say: well shit, she survived. so can i.

last year I came out as lesbian for my birthday. It was a gift and a symbolic new beginning. inside i hoped it would lead to allowing me to a life that i could live as myself. i said that no matter what happens, i am doing this for myself -- regardless of what anyone else around me might say. that is what happened, but i have not yet built the life where i can live as myself just yet. instead i lost the old one, and i am in the process of... processing everything, and finding what the foundations must look like before i start building.

i don't even know where to begin.

being lesbian caused some issues, as expected, but holy shit )

it's like you're living the dream but you're not living your life.

work sucks, i know, and also i had to go to bangkok for medical testing because why not )

relationship breakdown )

relationship breakup )

immediate aftermath )

i need better friends and a hug )

the aftermath part one )

oh and then my lung collapsed )

lessons learned  )

one year on from the tragedies of the fall of last year -- there are more days that i smile without crying now, more days that i go without thinking of the hurt of the last year and all that it encompasses. i still often feel like i blew up my whole life, and often live paralyzed in fear of the future because i don't really have one at the moment. still, i am trying to remember that i left a life i didn't want, and am now trying to build a life which i do. 今僕がいる未来に向けて: i am walking towards a future with me in it. i am a completely different person now. i'm stronger, but hate being called that. i am infinitely sadder, but hope that one day this will give way to an infinite happiness as well. but i know now beyond doubt that i am also so much more loved than i could ever begin to imagine.

i hope there will come a time where i will smile and laugh like i used to before my whole world fell apart, where i am working on things that i love and truly enjoy and am getting paid well for it, where i won't be afraid of loving someone, where i will also be loved for who i am in totality, and not loved like a trophy or a toy until they see what it took, what it takes, for me to shine brightly. i hope there will come a time where the burdens i carry will be treated with care instead of disdain, where all sides of me will be loved.

i hope i will one day be treated gently.

until then, i am trying to give myself the love, grace, and compassion for myself as an individual, as a human being, that i was not shown through my life. i no longer wish to convince other people to love me. i am trying to teach myself that which i have never learned for myself, however imperfect. but i am trying, and i think that should be commended. i am, like everyone else, trying my best.

so you see, upon everyday faced
there's a million shades to express the definition of grace
but the method i choose is my prerogative
there's so much love in me i got to give.


if you've made it this far, thank you. i love you.

anyway is arcane s2 any good?
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 I read a poem recently that really hit me:

Redraw the edge of things;
Since our reality
Is no longer theirs
We must establish
Our own.


(from What Lesbians Do in Bed, Susan Matasovska) 


My reality has changed in that I am suddenly freed from social obligations I grew up believing I had to fulfill, but have also inherited some difficulties I knew was coming but are frustrating all the same. I want to fall in love and have the person I love love me in return; I want to get married and celebrate with everyone that I love and everyone that loves me too. I like someone enough now to understand that this is what it's supposed to feel like when you like someone for no other reason than they are just who they are. I want to love someone so fiercely that I never have to doubt if it is, that I never have to fear love again, no matter the highs and lows or the joy, sorrow, or pain. Now that I know what it's like, everything else pales. 

I can never go back to the way things were before. It's the first time I've really thought about wanting to be married; I know that if I ever find a woman I want to dedicate my life to then I will go through the extremely annoying and expensive process of being married abroad and having the marriage certificate notarized by a foreign government and my local government to force my local government to honor the marriage certificate. It's the first time I've thought of a life where love can be there, not as a protection against loneliness and despair, but as something to find joy in, to celebrate. 

It's the first time I've found a reality where I can be myself, where I can simply exist as a person. I don't have to be anything or anyone else, I can just be myself. I have to negotiate a reality where I am no longer someone's daughter first and myself second, which has brought some tension. But I'm much happier now being able to imagine a life where I live for myself, a reality where I allow myself to like who I like. What a strange concept!

I have been lucky that I haven't met much push back yet, and I hope not to for a while yet. But I know now that I wouldn't trade this freedom for anything.






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I have been listening to a lot of Avicii, Zedd, and Porter Robinson lately, after 10 years of being unable to listen to EDM because I just couldn't get the Vibe. Riley said that when joy comes back, so does Avicii, and you know what? They're right, ha!

I was cooking breakfast earlier today listening to Porter's Nurture album, after listening to it nonstop yesterday. An old friend came out of the woodwork once I said I play FFXIV, and in the 10 years of us not speaking she came out to herself and a few people as a trans woman, and I am so happy for her. We've been talking a lot about the performances we've had, and continue to have, to play. Mine is nowhere near as complex or dangerous as hers, but she understands.

It's only been three? weeks since I've come to accept myself as a lesbian, and many things have happened since. I've come out to my family: my mom, stepdad, brother, dad, stepmom, and my conservative cousins. I have come out to a few friends, and met up with my old college group of friends -- all the guys and only the guys, which was fun and funny. One of them said that this is the most comfortable he has ever seen me with them, like I'm no longer hiding or so distant. He said it was so different to see me now, actually feeling something for someone and having it clearly mean something. He said back then whenever I said I liked a guy, nothing in me ever seemed to change, just, oh you know. The sky's blue, next. Now there is happiness and emotion in me, and I was touched immensely by seeing all of them so happy for me. One said, you are going to disappoint a lot of guys when you come out to everyone else, but you are going to make so many girls happy. 

I realized then that all these years, however distant I sometimes am (have been), they have treated me like their little sister. It is only because I am comfortable in myself now that I can let them in in a way I wasn't able to before, with all the defenses I never knew were constantly up around me. It was only when I was able to sit with them as myself that I realized I had put up a wall between us, and now that I don't feel like I have to have that wall -- I can actually have genuine relationships with people.

I have been so very fortunate that my family has largely accepted me -- my father said it will take time for him to accept my partner should I ever bring a woman home and he hopes I can give him time to accept me, and I will, I will give him all the time he needs. After all, it's not just my world that has been remade; he had hopes and dreams for me too, I'm sure, and he will need time to grieve the loss of those dreams. When I told him his first question was, "do you feel less burdened now?" and when I told him I do, he simply replied, "then okay." I am still his daughter and I know he loves me. He just has his journey to walk, as did I (and he's been walking his own journey, apparently, because both he and my stepmom have suspected for years). My cousins have all been supportive. The few friends I have come out to are also all supportive, and I am gearing up to come out to the wider network. I know I don't have to, but I want to. I want to set my own self free from all these limits, and I just want to be seen for who I am instead of the facade that I've been putting up all these years. 

My stepmom said there will be people that will leave me, particularly friends. She said when that happens, remember that you lived 33 years without them and you can live the rest of your life without them. Protect your peace. I don't know who will react how, but what's important to me is that I am who I am without fear.

It's nice now. It's nice to wake up in the morning without thinking the world is ending constantly. For once, it's nice to think about the future.

Look at the sky, I'm still here
I'll be alive next year
I can make something good

Something good


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 Been thinking a lot about recent developments and realizations in between starting a new job. It's been an interesting journey to say the least. 

coming out at 33 means reviewing everything you once knew )

My mentor said that I learned to play the games of men, became a little bit of what I hated, and in the end used it to destroy them. I learned about currencies and social contracts, and all my life I have learned to play these games and use them to my advantage. I now recognize these as games I played for survival, currencies I used to get a leg up, to protect myself in. I wondered if I had to learn these games, these currencies, to use the malleability of my identity because I was a woman in a military-adjacent industry, sharpening knives at all times. My softness and femininity were weapons there, but I was shaped into someone hardened too. Now I realize I've always been playing these games ever since I was young to hide myself, to make sure I was never found out. And now that I've accepted myself I no longer have the desire to play these games of men. I just want to be me.

It's international women's month, and i've been thinking about that a lot even as i review and understand my own sexuality. I was socialized straight, and I suspect there are a lot more women like me too. I hope that one day the expectation on women won't be so one-note, that women will be allowed to determine who we are, unburdened from the many expectations placed upon us. I hope there will be one day where compulsory heterosexuality is not the expectation in places like my home country. I hope for many things, but I hope we -- all women can be free.


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in february 2020 i went to a gay club and there was a lot of joy, and two of my female friends started making out on the dance floor, as you do. in that moment i wanted nothing more than to be allowed that kind of joy, to freely hold the hand of the girl i liked back then, to have the courage to live openly. so at 2am on february 15, 2020 i realized i liked women in more than the girlcrush kind of way, and in the way that says, this is love. 

that was 3 years ago, and i came out to some friends and family as a bisexual woman. i thought that was the end of it.

and then came january 2023, or: when i understood my sexuality )
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 So I made the decision to leave danmei fandom by basically just locking out of my twitter account, and deactivating later I guess.

It's one I've been toying with for a while now, just because the amount of recycled drama in danmei fandom is just so tiring. Off the top of my head, since joining danmei fandoms in 2018 I have seen:

Drama llama (spoiler alert: it's 44 rounds of wank) )
This is 45 rounds of drama in 4 years, and these are only the ones i remember in the last 30 minutes and have personally seen, and a lot of this happened between 2020 and 2022. Honestly it feels like the vast majority of this was 2019-2022, which doesn't do the recurring frequency statistic any good. That's one new major round of drama every other month-ish. It was saying a lot when i realized i felt safer in the infamously insane BNHA fandom than in danmei fandom lmao

Edited: 52 in 4 years... lord

Over the last few rounds of drama it does not escape me that so much of it uses the weaponizing of Chinese heritage and Chinese identity to present themselves as authorities of Chinese culture and to determine what or who is "Chinese enough," and often uses this to isolate, harass, or cast out any users that disagree with them. I have a lot of thoughts about it, just not now as it's too late in the evening, but I do find that the penchant for identity as a tool to instigate harassment in this fandom is incredibly dangerous. So much of the wank as well hides itself under the claim of "authenticity" but it often sounds like requests for blood quotient dressed in fandom. Such rhetoric is dangerous, outdated, and frankly completely incompatible with a globalized, modern world. But then Trump was president of the US and Brexit happened, so. lol

The identity-related harassment has led to suicidal ideation in at least four people I know. It's a pity as it once brought me a lot of joy, but the constant worry of whether people would take my tweet and launch it into the stratosphere with the worst-faith take, not to mention all the recycled drama, was just too much. It's just not a healthy environment. I hope the fandom changes but at this rate I'm afraid it won't, so I'm yeeting myself out of it.

I got BNHA fic to finish anyway lmao, peace it's been good danmei! None of this matters, it's just fandom. If it's driving you insane, i hear we can go out without masks in some parts of the world, i recommend it greatly




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It's been a long time since I came back, because life got supremely busy with my new job, because I've picked up a new hobby (!), and I'm just tired all the time! But hey, happy new year, Gregorian and Lunar both. I've been meaning to write more here but i've just been so tired. But I have some joys to share, since I document my identity crises here (lol). I talk about my lolo a lot here because my lolo was someone I never really knew but whose influence in my upbringing cannot be denied.

Heritage things - we're ethnically part-Macanese?? )

I know so much more about our family now. Christmas, New Year, and Lunar New Year were all so much more meaningful because of all these findings, and I'm so glad to be able to celebrate our traditions now, knowing why we celebrate the way we do, and giving honor to our families. Great-lolo Pedro died far away from home, and my lolo died away from his home too -- but this year we celebratde them and the lives they led in Shanghai and here in Manila, honoring the memory of great-lola Lydia and great-great lola Otilia through her recipes that lolo kept with him across the sea. All of it is a part of me, and I'm glad that I finally have answers to all of those questions.




endhawks

Nov. 7th, 2021 11:13 pm
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i'm absolutely terrible at blogging. It's been a month (and two wank cycles) since the last update. 

Since then I've been swallowed alive by Endhawks. I've read all the manga chapters since Hawks' first appearance up until the latest chapter. I've written an Endhawks fic! i never thought that would happen! And yet I wrote a small fic about them called yakitori dreaming dealing with what it means to try to be good when things demand that you cannot necessarily be good, or when you must do things that are not good for the safety of others. 

I'm also writing a second one, though right now it just consists of scenes and the plot is still being fleshed out. It deals with learning about who you are outside of who you've always been told to be your whole life, and navigating a relationship with someone significantly older than you. It deals with the joy of being free to determine who you are and meets the realism of the responsibilities you have to everyone and everything. I hope I'm able to finish it before the next season rolls around lol.

I can't believe I'm writing for BNHA, of all medias! But because of it I've also gone back to my first loves of J-Rock and J-Drama. I've been listening to a lot of RADWIMPS and Yonezu Kenshi, and recently finished Pretty Proofreader. I had no idea Suda Masaki both acted and sang. I love 灰色と青 so much, it's powering my fic right now. Something about coming back to J-media feels like coming back in full circle, and I'm quite happy about it!

how has everyone been?
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sometimes i will be going about my daily life then i'll remember [archiveofourown.org profile] gdgdbaby  wrote a bjyx fic, if you would only let you, where xiao zhan and wang yibo roadtrip through china and finally sort out their feelings. then i will pause, dramatically stare out a window, and remember how i cried my eyes out reading the part where they had an "honest" conversation by the bund in shanghai and the catharsis i felt reading it.

memories of shanghai under the cut )

it's amazing how much a fic can make you feel. this post ended up being a story of my memories in shanghai and a little bit of a love letter to that one fic and how much it helped me achieve some catharsis from an old wound i never looked at again. since then i've been able to think of shanghai without my heartbreak dominating it, and instead i think of all my friends still in shanghai who i miss dearly. i miss them all the time. i miss shanghai so much. i miss being there, i miss the city, i miss who i was with and without him there. i miss him too but i'll probably see him in hong kong lol. shanghai is still one of the first cities i'll go to once borders up, to find more traces of my family but also because i loved the city, and i'm so grateful for lucy's fic for reminding me all the joy and the sadness that shanghai gave me. sadness, joy, laughter, and tears -- all of it in nine days that felt like a lifetime. i'll see you again one day, shanghai.




nightmares are expensive, but memories are free. -- JJ Lin





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someone in fandom said, trauma is not your resource.

i would like to add: trauma isn't your permission to harass either.

your insecurities, trauma, and hurt aren't permission to harass.

others' trauma or historical hurt isn't your resource to weaponize either. 
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i think that if you've grown so attached to a material that you would hurt others over it -- going so far as to attack them as people -- you need to take a step back and sort your own issues out offline. fandom isn't actually your therapist, and no one in it signed up to be your punching bag.

this isn't about one specific wank; it's about all of it
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a few days ago, i was talking to a few friends about currency, and how the value of a dollar or a pound sterling really changes depending on where you live. we live in three different countries, two of us shared the same currency for most of our lives. one expensive lunch in the UK was half ouf our rent or groceries for us for a month. It did come across at a time where I noticed that in some fandoms, zines and anthologies appear to be growing more common. "it's only $40, and you get all of these exclusive fics and art content only if you buy this zine" was often the pitch. There were also some developments in other fandom spaces where people were saying “you have no excuse to buy X, because it’s only $20!!” Which, hm.

 

a few days ago, i wrote a thread about how currency and the value of a dollar changes depending on where you live and the currency you earn. spending power with USD, EUR, AUD, GBP, SGD, JPY, and CNY are all strong currencies, increasing spending power. it is easy to talk about it is only $20 when you earn in those currencies, but for the rest of us, ah, not so much.

 

i earn in Philippine peso. the currency rate is pegged at USD 1 = PHP 50. Doing the math, $20 is PHP 1,000.

 

In the US, $20 is a good meal, or a book, or 2 hours' wage in some states (bless cities or states with $15/hr).

 

Here, $20 is my grocery bill for two weeks. It is my transport/commute budget for 5 days, or my food budget for 5-10 days. It is 1-2 days' worth of wages. It's a lot of money.

 

I don't think people recognize just how big the disparity is. So when people say things are only $20, or even only $10, ah, it's not really an only. Not for a lot of us who earn outside of those currencies.

 

The other thing is, for us who live outside the US, EU, Canada, Australia, Singapore, Japan, China, Hong Kong, or the like-- we aren't considered major markets, and so some things come to us much slower. That is if they ever come to us at all. There's often a high chance that it will never come to us, no matter how much we ask, because we're not a market consideration. 

 

So sometimes, when people pirate things, I can see why. Some like to say that in the age of Netflix and things like Amazon, book depository and international express shipping, there is no longer any reason to pirate. 

 

But sometimes there is -- sometimes there is just no access to it, or sometimes people simply cannot afford it. It's not always "i'm lazy"; sometimes it's "i don't really have a choice if I want to enjoy this thing I love." I don't think people should be proud of pirating things, but I can see why they would. (Buy an original copy when you can though, lol)

 

I see a lot of people watching Netflix on their phones on the way to work. But equally i see a lot of people pirating anime that isn't on Netflix, because we have no access to Crunchyroll or Funimation. But i have seen that if people have the money and are given the access to it, they'll buy it. Just let them have access to it… and that does include currency access. 

 

Nothing is ever "just" $20.

 

Now, I am aware that there are issues with poverty and access within the big currency countries, but I think that is a separate discussion that has to be had on its own. I am speaking specifically to the lack of access that we get as people who live outside, and do not earn in the currencies, of the US, Europe, Canada, Australia, Japan, Singapore, or China, which are usually seen as the bigger markets.

 

Currency and Commodification in Fandom

 

I’m no big fandom name; I’ve written a couple of fics here and there and they’re good quality, nothing spectacular or special. I love them though; I love the process of creation and I love sharing them with people who want to read it. I buy both official merch and fanmerch when there’s something that catches my eye. I've commissioned people before; my icon is by the ever-lovely shabbylines on twt (commission her, she's wonderful). I have watched Haisute, Epik High, BTS, and attend the Untamed fanmeet in Thailand (hell I would have gone to the Nanjing one too if I didn't need a visa and could score tickets). I have a truly ridiculous amount of Otabek Altin art and Haikyuu! merch, both official and unofficial; my favorite plush toys are both official and unofficial. I have the capacity to do so because I work in a fairly stable corporate environment in a multinational company. In this case, I am extremely lucky, because not a lot of people are able to do the same. 

 

But still, watching the slow crawl towards commodification in fandom has made me uneasy. 

 

Fandom was once based on a gift currency agreement, often in the form of fic and fan-art, and a sense of community was fostered around this understanding that this, for the most part, is for free. The understanding of fandom was this is a shared space for enthusiasts of an IP; this is a hobby, something to do in your free time away from whatever else you do in the day. Of course it wasn't without its problems, and the nature of online means you need an internet connection; racism, misogyny, and homophobia in fandom is still a problem today especially in danmei fandom. But the barriers for entry then were just that: a computer and an internet connection, and it's off to the races.

 

(Of course the reasoning for that is not egalitarian or utopian: quite simply, the understanding then was that we are all using an IP that is not ours and to blatantly profit off another IP is illegal and is grounds for copyright infringement. It wasn't without teeth either: Anne Rice is notorious, as are Sanrio and Moomin, for sending cease-and-desist notices as well as threats of lawsuits. Japan's doujin festivals are pay for production (P4P), as is MXTX and the larger danmei fandom it seems at the request of the authors and IP holders; there is an unspoken agreement to not profit using someone else's IP because it puts the entire fandom at risk of lawsuits. Archive of Our Own has an unrelenting policy about linking to any site that even suggests payment to the author of any fic on their site because they understand that if one displeased IP holder sees that a rando on the internet is profiting off their works, it puts the entire Ao3 in jeopardy.

 

With the mainstreaming of fandom, I think a large part has forgotten that the IPs aren't ours to begin with, and to profit off IPs that aren't ours is illegal thanks to copyright and intellectual property rights law. "It's free marketing," is what it's usually justified as, and that's correct! It is free marketing and community engagement. The only reason that others have not clamped down on fandom is because they have likely calculated that potential profits lost are within an acceptable range ("marketing cost"). But it doesn't mean they will always view it that way, especially if someone like Disney decides to do a comprehensive market study on how much money is generated through the fandom economy. There was a good thread about copyright, takedowns, and the risk of monetizing fandom here.

 

But I digress.)

 

With the current trend of commodification in fandom (outside of danmei), there is a risk of fans simply being priced out by other fans. It’s not to say that fandom goods are not a necessity; they are a luxury. I understand that. I fully support artists who are trying to build their portfolios via commissions. I wholeheartedly oppose any theft of small creators' art and works; there is a special place in hell for people that do nothing but repost content on IG, tiktok, and FB groups. But I think it is still best to acknowledge that the increasing commodification of fandom is erecting barriers to entry where there weren't any previously, and it divides those who can afford it and those who cannot. Whether it's a $40 zine or a VIP access to translations with no other access, those are barriers to access and, in the case of translations, enter a fandom altogether.

 

Because as I discussed earlier: it's not just $40. 

 

For those that earn in stronger currencies, it is easier to earn that $40. For those that don’t, whether the rate is 1:50 or 1:100, we have to work much harder to get that $40 — we have to work to 2,000, or to 4,000 before we can afford anything. And this is not to include the issues of shipping, which can cost the same as, if not more than, the product we wish to buy. Adding it altogether, the cost is prohibitive, or just not feasible.

 

This is not to say that there should be no commissions or zines, or other fanmerch or that translation groups are necessarily wrong for charging fees, especially when the purpose is to ensure support for the author. 

 

But I don’t agree with the thinking that fandom is just another avenue to monetize at will. While I understand that people also use fandom as a means to supplement their income — and I understand that there are also those who use it as a sole means of income, which is a rather precarious situation given that the ownership of the IP is not theirs — at the end of the day, it is a hobby. 

 

It might be that this thinking was borne out of hustle culture that millennials and Gen Zers are stuck with: there is a pervasive line of thought that to do anything that is not revenue-generating is a waste of time. Monetize your hobbies! Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life! Unless you’re getting paid doing it, it’s a waste of time. 

 

(Poisonous thinking)

 

Fandom was born as a shared community, something done for fun. One thing that made fandom unique in the first place is that things are shared without the expectations of any monetary compensation; from the heart, right?

 

Unless this is a sole means of income, it isn’t a job, and neither should it be a replacement for a personality. This is a niche space on the internet celebrating the love for an IP, a community with which you share that love (don’t be a dick, dude). Treating it as another avenue for monetization does have adverse impacts on the community that fandom is built around, and that includes the exclusion of people who are priced out simply because they can’t afford to be there. 

 

Barriers to Entry

 

Because given the geographical circumstance of where we are born, we are already automatically excluded from so much of the “official” access by means of region-locking and lack of distributorships, as we are not seen as a good enough market. Whether this is official distribution being delayed or withheld altogether, or big-ticket events, or non-release in other languages, there is an expectation of exclusion already. To travel to other countries to attend big-ticket events is just not sustainable in the long-run. 

 

It’s why many turn to fandom: because this is another avenue to enjoy with other like-minded individuals, to exchange stories and art and share, to participate in an economy that went against the expectations of monetary payment and compensation, that wasn’t dependent on how much money you had or where you lived. Fandom prided itself in being counterculture, in operating outside the capitalist expectation, and as a result, being welcome to all. 

 

But when that space also starts to become commodified, well, then the usual barriers to entry start appearing as well. Because nothing is “just” $20. With the inclusion of a $20 surcharge to access a tier or an anthology or zine or collection, it becomes a greater discussion of whether one should put aside a budget of two weeks of groceries to afford a zine to access the works of authors and artists, where that discussion did not exist at all. 

 

And while this is not yet the norm, it is popping up enough that fandom should at least start considering what this means for the community. Community cannot come in “tiers”: the people who will have advanced access and those that don’t; the people who can afford the exclusive zines and those who can’t; the people who can access translations, and those that can’t, etc., with the expectation that everyone will treat each other “the same” or “equally”. With those tiers comes an inequality of sorts and a resentment, and ultimately, fragmentation (and DRAMAAAA). 

 

And while I and many would say fandom goods is a luxury, someone did correctly point out that the sense of community that fandom brings, especially in fandoms that are predominantly queer online, are a necessity. 

 

Hobby or Business?

 

Fandom as a community needs to at least examine the direction in which it is going, because if for-profit projects are becoming more common, not only does it have to figure out what it will do about IP violations, but it also has to determine whether this is still going to be treated as a hobby by default, or more of a business.

 

In reply, someone said “so you’re asking me to treat fandom as a HOBBY?”

 

Well, yes. Because it is a hobby. None of us own the IP, and a lot of us are not being paid by an employer to fandom. Our participation in fandom, whether as a creator or consumer, is entirely voluntary, and the nature of our participation is up to each participant. It is a hobby, not a business, because what people do in fandom, ostensibly, is for free.

 

But of course, if fandom does choose collectively to continue monetizing works and prioritizing for-profit works and tiered systems, then fandom has to realize that it is no longer operating as a hobby, but instead with a small-scale business model.

 

Once money is involved, it is no longer about “community” or “I do this in my free time; it’s just a hobby”: it’s about delivering goods or a service that was promised in exchange for whatever amount that was. It cannot be that a creator or translator says “I do this in my free time” and then the audience expects monthly updates every Friday at 6PM on the dot, and are upset when it doesn’t arrive. On the other hand, it cannot be that a person says “For $20, I’ll deliver X product by Y date, this is a sample of my work,” and then deliver a substandard product, and/or be late with the deliverables. It definitely cannot be “dude just trust me” when money is involved. 

 

The exchange of money is a contract and an expectation: I will pay $20 expecting that I get a product after X amount of time up to a certain standard. There is now an expectation of professionalism and critique, because if a person is going to pay $20 for a volume, then it is fair for the customer to expect that the standard of that volume to be worth $20 and protest if they find that it is not. 

 

It sounds cold, but money is cold, and once money is involved then it is now a business. And with business comes expectations.

 

Because again, it’s not “just $20.” That $20 is someone’s groceries, or two days’ wage. Given the global nature of fandom, that reminder has to be at the forefront.

 

Aftermath 

 

Now this is where I got a lot of personal attacks. I don’t mean some people disagreed with me on the above points.

 

I do mean complete strangers that told me I don’t understand pricing, production, real life, the economy; those who called me delusional, a freeloader, an idiot, naive, selfish, someone who just doesn’t want artists or translators to get paid, an asshole, or, I was simply told: “you don’t belong here.” I tried not to look, but I am an idiot.

 

I had people telling me in the replies “if you can’t afford to be in fandom, then you don’t belong here.” I was also told: “It sucks that your country’s economy is so bad but that’s just how it is. Fandom is a luxury, too bad, you just have to accept it and if you can’t afford it then you can’t.” I was also told: “this whole discussion just reeks of someone who is bitter that they can’t afford fandom.” 

 

Someone said, "damn if you can't afford it then just wait until it comes to your country, duh." That's the problem: it just never will.


Given where I was born, I was always told I don’t belong in certain spaces. I am by default not allowed to enter certain countries and spaces without going through lengthy approval processes and without being able to prove I can afford being in that space. My entire career was built on proving myself worthy to be in this space, to share space and hold my own in a space reserved for white men.

 

I earn in PHP, not in USD, as I made clear earlier in the thread, and earlier in this post. To tell me I don’t belong in a place or that I don’t deserve to be in a space based on the place I was born and the currency I earn is casual discrimination in a smaller scale, and one that is not often thought about by the people perpetuating it. And to experience it as bluntly as that above — well, let’s say I have never felt as alienated in an online space than I did about four days ago, but it is an alienation I feel regularly in my real life, especially when I visit the USA.

 

Besides, I never said anything about artists or translators not deserving to be paid. I just said to consider where those who do not earn, but have to pay, in USD are coming from. 

 

It’s not “just” $20. I don’t take issue so much in the $20, but in the “it’s only.” Because for other people who earn in USD, it can be an “only”. For us that don’t, it’s far, far more expensive than anyone who earns USD by default. And while right now it’s still in price ranges that are still “doable” or attainable (with of course some exceptions to the rule, such as professional art commissions) if it continues on an upward trajectory, then inevitably fans from other parts of the world will eventually be priced out of fandom itself. 

 

A lot of people took this opportunity to dunk on me and call me the above things, which was unpleasant and caused me quite a bit of anxiety. They also took this opportunity to derail the conversation away from my original point of currencies having different values depending on the country where it is being spent or earned and to keep that in mind, to a completely separate discussion of whether artists deserve to be paid or not. 

 

That’s not even up for discussion. Creators do deserve to be paid, and I have never said otherwise. I have never questioned the motivation for commissions, whether written or drawn, regardless of what I feel about IP and copyright law.

 

What I am saying though is that if things continue to be profit-centered and at an increasing rate, then a lot of people will be priced out of fandom or confined to a different “tier”, and that fandom has to expect less community and more transactional experiences. 

 

It is also a point of privilege to be able to argue whether the barrier for entry is there at all when people who are already experiencing those barriers for entry are telling you it is there. “It’s only $20” is also “damn, it’s PHP1,000.” 

 

For every QRT I got calling me a selfish bitch who is just bitching because I can’t afford fandom was another person saying “20 is a month of groceries and I really have to budget out my purchases for the thing I want.” 

 

To derail a conversation about currency inequalities presenting a challenge to access certain things in fandom and make it about “you’re just bitching because you’re too poor to afford commissioning an artist” and “but what about the right of an artist to make money” is also not a great look.

 

Someone replied “stop making it a class discussion.” 

 

It is a class discussion. Fandom doesn’t operate in a bubble. Only certain classes can afford certain experiences: Comic Con, purchasing a $300 artbook, being able to access tiers in advance. That is a class issue. That has always been present, and the commodification of fandom only exacerbates that issue. Just because you don’t feel it doesn’t mean it does not exist.

 

All I did is add that there is a currency discussion that goes beyond just the class discussion, and to be aware of that.

 

If fandom collectively decides to go in that direction then that’s fine, but the community has to be aware of the additional barriers to entry, accept it as a consequence of growth, recognize and accept business standards and professionalism, and drop any pretense of remaining counterculture or anti-capitalist, or whatever progressive term it wants to use.

 

For something that started as counterculture, as a means for women to get together and enjoy Star Trek together, for a bunch of nerds wanting to share what they love together regardless of where they come from, that’s a bit sad, isn’t it? At the heart of it, fandom is about community: a space for like-minded individuals to congregate and share love of a Thing together, and sometimes even make friends! 

 

I don’t have any answers, I’m no big-name person. I’m literally just some guy. I’ll probably exit fandom altogether again in the next couple of years, depending on whether I find another title to be obsessed with, I dunno. I lived outside of fandom for 10 years and on the fringes of others. But it has given me a sense of community at a time when community outside was impossible, has fostered a love for sharing stories simply for the pure joy of sharing, and I have made so many friends in these little corners, and it would be a pity for that to vanish into the (at times inescapable) maw of late-stage capitalist bullshit. 

 

Anyway, what do I know lmao I’m just some rando on the internet peace out

 

 

 

 

in_seclusion: (Default)
... and i don’t know if anyone still even blogs like this anymore. Why am I even blogging like this, I never stuck around on Tumblr.

Maybe if I have dw I’ll be less scared of getting dogpiled on twitter, maybe there’ll be more nuance. Maybe I can yell at the void about fandom and the world at large, of all things. Maybe I’m just talking to myself. It’s been 15 years since I last used livejournal, and this is a throwback. 

Even my 15 year old self would never have predicted a return to something like LJ after strikethrough, and would never have predicted a plague. But I guess this is the best time for yelling into the void since we’re all locked indoors and can’t touch grass. God knows so many people need to.

 
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