for once, the world isn't ending
Mar. 14th, 2023 11:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
in_seclusionI have been listening to a lot of Avicii, Zedd, and Porter Robinson lately, after 10 years of being unable to listen to EDM because I just couldn't get the Vibe. Riley said that when joy comes back, so does Avicii, and you know what? They're right, ha!
I was cooking breakfast earlier today listening to Porter's Nurture album, after listening to it nonstop yesterday. An old friend came out of the woodwork once I said I play FFXIV, and in the 10 years of us not speaking she came out to herself and a few people as a trans woman, and I am so happy for her. We've been talking a lot about the performances we've had, and continue to have, to play. Mine is nowhere near as complex or dangerous as hers, but she understands.
It's only been three? weeks since I've come to accept myself as a lesbian, and many things have happened since. I've come out to my family: my mom, stepdad, brother, dad, stepmom, and my conservative cousins. I have come out to a few friends, and met up with my old college group of friends -- all the guys and only the guys, which was fun and funny. One of them said that this is the most comfortable he has ever seen me with them, like I'm no longer hiding or so distant. He said it was so different to see me now, actually feeling something for someone and having it clearly mean something. He said back then whenever I said I liked a guy, nothing in me ever seemed to change, just, oh you know. The sky's blue, next. Now there is happiness and emotion in me, and I was touched immensely by seeing all of them so happy for me. One said, you are going to disappoint a lot of guys when you come out to everyone else, but you are going to make so many girls happy.
I realized then that all these years, however distant I sometimes am (have been), they have treated me like their little sister. It is only because I am comfortable in myself now that I can let them in in a way I wasn't able to before, with all the defenses I never knew were constantly up around me. It was only when I was able to sit with them as myself that I realized I had put up a wall between us, and now that I don't feel like I have to have that wall -- I can actually have genuine relationships with people.
I have been so very fortunate that my family has largely accepted me -- my father said it will take time for him to accept my partner should I ever bring a woman home and he hopes I can give him time to accept me, and I will, I will give him all the time he needs. After all, it's not just my world that has been remade; he had hopes and dreams for me too, I'm sure, and he will need time to grieve the loss of those dreams. When I told him his first question was, "do you feel less burdened now?" and when I told him I do, he simply replied, "then okay." I am still his daughter and I know he loves me. He just has his journey to walk, as did I (and he's been walking his own journey, apparently, because both he and my stepmom have suspected for years). My cousins have all been supportive. The few friends I have come out to are also all supportive, and I am gearing up to come out to the wider network. I know I don't have to, but I want to. I want to set my own self free from all these limits, and I just want to be seen for who I am instead of the facade that I've been putting up all these years.
My stepmom said there will be people that will leave me, particularly friends. She said when that happens, remember that you lived 33 years without them and you can live the rest of your life without them. Protect your peace. I don't know who will react how, but what's important to me is that I am who I am without fear.
It's nice now. It's nice to wake up in the morning without thinking the world is ending constantly. For once, it's nice to think about the future.
Look at the sky, I'm still here
I'll be alive next year
I can make something good
Something good
I was cooking breakfast earlier today listening to Porter's Nurture album, after listening to it nonstop yesterday. An old friend came out of the woodwork once I said I play FFXIV, and in the 10 years of us not speaking she came out to herself and a few people as a trans woman, and I am so happy for her. We've been talking a lot about the performances we've had, and continue to have, to play. Mine is nowhere near as complex or dangerous as hers, but she understands.
It's only been three? weeks since I've come to accept myself as a lesbian, and many things have happened since. I've come out to my family: my mom, stepdad, brother, dad, stepmom, and my conservative cousins. I have come out to a few friends, and met up with my old college group of friends -- all the guys and only the guys, which was fun and funny. One of them said that this is the most comfortable he has ever seen me with them, like I'm no longer hiding or so distant. He said it was so different to see me now, actually feeling something for someone and having it clearly mean something. He said back then whenever I said I liked a guy, nothing in me ever seemed to change, just, oh you know. The sky's blue, next. Now there is happiness and emotion in me, and I was touched immensely by seeing all of them so happy for me. One said, you are going to disappoint a lot of guys when you come out to everyone else, but you are going to make so many girls happy.
I realized then that all these years, however distant I sometimes am (have been), they have treated me like their little sister. It is only because I am comfortable in myself now that I can let them in in a way I wasn't able to before, with all the defenses I never knew were constantly up around me. It was only when I was able to sit with them as myself that I realized I had put up a wall between us, and now that I don't feel like I have to have that wall -- I can actually have genuine relationships with people.
I have been so very fortunate that my family has largely accepted me -- my father said it will take time for him to accept my partner should I ever bring a woman home and he hopes I can give him time to accept me, and I will, I will give him all the time he needs. After all, it's not just my world that has been remade; he had hopes and dreams for me too, I'm sure, and he will need time to grieve the loss of those dreams. When I told him his first question was, "do you feel less burdened now?" and when I told him I do, he simply replied, "then okay." I am still his daughter and I know he loves me. He just has his journey to walk, as did I (and he's been walking his own journey, apparently, because both he and my stepmom have suspected for years). My cousins have all been supportive. The few friends I have come out to are also all supportive, and I am gearing up to come out to the wider network. I know I don't have to, but I want to. I want to set my own self free from all these limits, and I just want to be seen for who I am instead of the facade that I've been putting up all these years.
My stepmom said there will be people that will leave me, particularly friends. She said when that happens, remember that you lived 33 years without them and you can live the rest of your life without them. Protect your peace. I don't know who will react how, but what's important to me is that I am who I am without fear.
It's nice now. It's nice to wake up in the morning without thinking the world is ending constantly. For once, it's nice to think about the future.
Look at the sky, I'm still here
I'll be alive next year
I can make something good
Something good
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Date: 2023-03-14 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-03-14 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-03-15 07:35 am (UTC)