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Dec. 26th, 2024 12:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
in_seclusion it's Christmas today, Merry Christmas!
It's a little somber this year, a lot lonely. I think in between the celebrations it's easy to get caught up in the rush of things, but once things have calmed down, the loneliness settles in.
I've been thinking about stages in life, stages in grief, and Christmastime brings it out a little more for me. It's extra difficult this year, with the relationship rebuilding that's been going on with my family. Last year's breakup notwithstanding, it is lonely too, to see couples and their Christmas photos together. I am very happy for all of those who have gotten engaged but it smarts a little, especially dealing with the grief of coming out and the difficulties in just finding likeminded friends here. I've given up on finding a partner here, if I'm honest. I don't know how I'll find anyone, but I've just come to accept where I am is not where it is. Whatever "it" is.
I miss my friends a lot. I met a psychotherapist yesterday and when she said my connections are through my phone -- I told her my friends are all abroad. Those who I find safe, my closest people are all so far away from me. And while it's an absolute blessing to have friends in every corner of the world, it's still lonely when there aren't any here. I miss my best friend. The psychotherapist said it is the way of third culture kids and the Philippines is a closed country, and it is terribly lonely. I am still slowly building friends who are safe here. I think I've found a few! But they are relatively new and building trust and bonds takes time. After everything that has happened in the last two years I think I'll let time pass and show me who the good ones are.
But still, though I feel lonely and a little left behind -- I'm still grateful. I celebrated with family and family friends. My brother is home for Christmas. Monic gave me a sweet gift: reminders to take care of myself, a little note that says we're here for you.
It's hard this year. It feels like every other day. It's better than last year, newly dumped and trying to figure out what to do about my job, world falling apart, actively suicidal, having to smile and pretend everything is okay. That in itself is something to be grateful for. I am grateful I am now trying: trying for everything to get better, trying to be better. I laughed today. I am glad for friends, for people that love me, for the people I love. For all the people who are still here. For you, whoever is reading this: thank you for still being here.
If only for all of that, even if i feel so left behind and so alone, again: Merry Christmas. I hope the holidays are kinder to you all. :)
It's a little somber this year, a lot lonely. I think in between the celebrations it's easy to get caught up in the rush of things, but once things have calmed down, the loneliness settles in.
I've been thinking about stages in life, stages in grief, and Christmastime brings it out a little more for me. It's extra difficult this year, with the relationship rebuilding that's been going on with my family. Last year's breakup notwithstanding, it is lonely too, to see couples and their Christmas photos together. I am very happy for all of those who have gotten engaged but it smarts a little, especially dealing with the grief of coming out and the difficulties in just finding likeminded friends here. I've given up on finding a partner here, if I'm honest. I don't know how I'll find anyone, but I've just come to accept where I am is not where it is. Whatever "it" is.
I miss my friends a lot. I met a psychotherapist yesterday and when she said my connections are through my phone -- I told her my friends are all abroad. Those who I find safe, my closest people are all so far away from me. And while it's an absolute blessing to have friends in every corner of the world, it's still lonely when there aren't any here. I miss my best friend. The psychotherapist said it is the way of third culture kids and the Philippines is a closed country, and it is terribly lonely. I am still slowly building friends who are safe here. I think I've found a few! But they are relatively new and building trust and bonds takes time. After everything that has happened in the last two years I think I'll let time pass and show me who the good ones are.
But still, though I feel lonely and a little left behind -- I'm still grateful. I celebrated with family and family friends. My brother is home for Christmas. Monic gave me a sweet gift: reminders to take care of myself, a little note that says we're here for you.
It's hard this year. It feels like every other day. It's better than last year, newly dumped and trying to figure out what to do about my job, world falling apart, actively suicidal, having to smile and pretend everything is okay. That in itself is something to be grateful for. I am grateful I am now trying: trying for everything to get better, trying to be better. I laughed today. I am glad for friends, for people that love me, for the people I love. For all the people who are still here. For you, whoever is reading this: thank you for still being here.
If only for all of that, even if i feel so left behind and so alone, again: Merry Christmas. I hope the holidays are kinder to you all. :)
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